Last year I found myself red in the face, eyes pouring out tears, and my skull pounding at the sheer thought of the future. I had grown up with my teachers, parents, and friends asking me questions like, “What major will you choose in college? What field would you like to have a career in?” or even, “What do you see your life looking like in ten years?” Like most of my peers, the answer was, “I have no clue.” I used to tell people I wanted to be an exotic dancer when I grew up, on the off chance they would find me hopeless and leave me alone about the topic. I find these questions to be obstructive rather than constructive in their nature. These questions put us in a perpetual attitude of lack, demanding a path instead of observing our current fortunate position.

Rather than living in the moment and helping us to create short term goals, they cause us to obsess over long term objectives that are not likely to pan out according to plan anyway, despite strenuous preparation. It is far too often that I hear people my age obsessing over the concept of “not knowing who they are.” I have been in this position before and I have come to realize that I am who I am and there is no path, career, or words to specifically characterize me into one category. Not only that but I am a fluctuating being who is constantly developing new attributes through my experiences.

The other night I called my close friend to catch up with him and he told me he recently had a conversation with a man that I dated years ago. My ex explained to him that he missed me and sometimes wished for me back into his life. In a brutally honest response, my friend described to him that this wish would be impossible to fulfill because the girl he dated all those years ago was no longer in existence. At that point in my life I was incredibly shy and lacked confidence; I had no genuine opinions about the world; I had established very few meaningful relationships, had entirely different interests, and lacked in life experiences.

Over time my personality has developed dramatically into a more outgoing, easy to get along with manner through conversations with hundreds of diverse people. I speak with more intensity and eloquence using a varying vocabulary. I have become a more educated woman through spending time reading a multitude of literature genres, researching topics of interests daily, having spent more time in the classroom environment, and intentionally becoming more introspective. I’ve experienced greater love, deeper friendships, magical moments mystified by music, spent more time alone in thought, spent more time alone in general; and not only that, my brain has developed from a child’s mind to a more mature, rational, adult mind. The girl that he remembered is just a minor, distant piece of the developed woman that I am today.

As a result of this conversation with my friend, I realized that for me to “find out who I am” would be doing myself the disservice of putting a fence around the inevitability of me metamorphosing into someone superior than who I am today in the years to come. However, this does not mean that you shouldn’t spend time alone with yourself developing your skills and determining your ideals. I went from asking the impossible questions of “who am I?” and “what is my purpose?” to questions like, “What do I want to read about today?” and “What can I do to show this person I care about them?” These questions are focused in the now, rather than the unattainable future. When I shifted my attention to the present, the weight of the future diminished. I realized I did not need to stress over what my lifelong career would be because I absolutely adore the two jobs I am employed at today.

I decided I did not need to go to school under a major I was unsure of and instead chose to invest that money into travel because I know it is a current interest of mine. I stopped fixating on defining myself and began to occupy my mind with constructive actions such as writing my experiences in a journal, reading books, painting pictures, capturing photographs, playing guitar while singing at the top of my lungs, saying yes to new opportunities, and getting to know other people better. In the process of cultivating your skills and defining your interests, a strong sense of self will unavoidably fall into place.

I have also spent time prioritizing my ideals which has aided in my understanding of what it means to be Joeli. I will list a few examples. The first most important thing to me is love. To me this means conversing at the dinner table with my family, inviting my friends out for Mexican food and margaritas, writing poetry for a romantic partner, going for long walks by myself to offer my thoughts some attention, or cuddling up with my puppy on the couch. The next item is education and self improvement.

This could include reading book recommendations, traveling to new locations, working on art projects, visiting museums, talking to enthusiasts on any subject, and spending time at night watching YouTube videos before bed. Another principal focus for me is on the environment. I limit my intake of animal products, I shop with reusable canvas bags, I recycle my plastic products. These are just a few examples, but they have helped me to grasp a sense of purpose without focusing so hard on defining myself.

I believe that our society puts too much emphasis on figuring out who we are because we are afraid of living unfulfilling lives; we are afraid of not achieving success; we are afraid people won’t love us if we don’t know who we are; and let’s be honest, people who feel lost also feel the need to spend outrageous amounts of money on self-help books, makeup, clothing, the latest gadgets, university, and therapy, which is good for business. I believe there is too much pressure put on us mentally and it is causing high levels of depression and feelings of inadequacy in the lives of America’s youth. Pressure is a good thing in the short term, such as placing strict deadlines on educational projects, offering incentives for being a hard working employee, or creating a competitive environment in order to become a stronger athlete. But when the focus is on abstract ideas about a time further than one can imagine, we cause strain that is entirely destructive.

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” – George Bernard Shaw