Two years ago, I was getting fed up with the hours I spent before bed watching makeup tutorials and thrift store try-on hauls when I decided to venture a little deeper into the YouTube suggested videos. I started with simple videos about how to meal prep and soon found myself entranced in footage portraying images of thick, crimson blood gushing from the throat of a young cow, baby pigs being flung against solid pavement, and innocent male chicks getting pulverized in an oversized food processor, still chirping for their lives. I could not believe how terrible factory farming practices were and I felt betrayed by my culture for not informing me about the source of my cheeseburgers. This left me very confused, facing difficult questions I had not previously considered.

I loved meat. I always have loved meat, especially doused in a thick layer of ranch dressing. I love the way rib meat falls off the bone in between your lips, the way your tongue gets coated in smooth oil when you crunch into some crusty bacon, the way the bones crack apart when you suck the meat out between the chicken’s radius and ulna. I think humans have evolved to be hunters and gatherers and should absolutely eat animals, but do we have a right to torture, enslave, and mentally destroy any living being on this planet? Should I have to give up the joys of eating animal flesh all the time to be able to consider myself a good person? Why are there no laws to protect these blameless souls from cruelty?

On the following nights, I spent hours absorbing new information on the topic. After watching interviews of plant-based physicians, nutritionist’s dietary analyses, TED talks, and lifestyle vloggers, I was prepared to dramatically alter my lifestyle straightaway by eliminating meat, dairy, and eggs from my regimen. In one night, I went from dinners of Shake n’ Bake chicken and cheesy potatoes, to asparagus and broccoli because I did not want to contribute cash to this cruel commodity.

Even then I could not consider myself a vegan. I did not read every label on my soap, shampoo, and lotion containers. I did not interview cosmetic companies to assess for animal testing. I still wore my Birkenstocks and sported my Coach purse over my shoulder. I did not research the source of my daily vitamins to ensure they weren’t animal derived. Did this make me a hypocrite, preaching animal rights, but failing to live by perfect standards of veganism? Over time, I have come to believe that no, I wasn’t. I do not believe in participating in any lifestyle choice religiously. I find it to be more beneficial to do the right thing, most of the time, not all the time. Why? I’m glad you asked. First of all, when you allow yourself to make zero mistakes, the first time you slip up you are going to become discouraged. You may possibly even abandon the lifestyle because you find it to be too strict.

Theodore Roosevelt said, “The best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing.” In my opinion, this means its is better to make a small difference then none at all. Reason two is that if you are robotic and rigid about your beliefs, it is harder for other, more assimilated, humans to break the mold and follow your example. They will see your inflexibility as threatening to their belief system. Of course I am not saying it is malevolent to be one hundred percent vegan, but I am saying that those strong willed people should offer praise rather than judgment toward pescetarians and vegetarians for their seemingly less monumental stride to become a more ethical human.

Since then, however, I have realized that there is no way to live a perfectly ethical lifestyle without dropping off the grid entirely and spending every minute of your day hunting and foraging for food in the wild. The clothes I wear are likely sewn together in sweat shops; the vegetables I eat come from farms that kill off innocent animals in the harvesting process; and my car emits toxic compounds into the atmosphere on my daily trips around town. Essentially every task I perform in a day has some destructive consequence. I tried to remedy this inconsistency in my ethics at first. I brought my own canvas bags when grocery shopping, I bought an overpriced glass water bottle to replace the plastic, I sprayed olive oil on my baking sheet instead of aluminum foil when baking curly fries, but none of these things seemed significant enough to really help.

Why do I feel so responsible for my impact on the planet? So many people, people I love, do not even consider what the consequences of their actions are on the Earth and in the lives of other living beings; yet I do not look down on them for it because I believe we all have a right to live in whatever way we choose and should not be pushed around by other people’s opinions of what is right and what is wrong. I just want to make small efforts to reduce my negative impact, but I can’t help but feel like I am giving away a piece of myself in the process. One day I dream of sitting in Italy enjoying a slice of pizza topped with fresh mozzarella, followed by a scoop of creamy gelato. I miss the thrill of ordering something unexpected on the menu when I am out to eat with friends. I feel rude when I waltz into a dinner party clutching a separate meal than the one my dear friend slaved over all day to feed me. There are some serious downsides to the vegan lifestyle.

After two years I have noticed a few of these disadvantages. Number one, I have lost some weight. This can be a benefit for many people, but as a thinner woman, losing any weight is not sustainable for me. Number two, I experience energy spikes and crashes from the overindulgence of carbohydrates. When you only eat plants, it can be incredibly difficult to eat a high fat, high protein diet. The consequences of this is feeling tired for portions of the day and being consistently hungry when my glucose levels drop. Another downside is the cravings. In all this time without meat, I still crave the foods I grew up on such as spaghetti and meatballs, chicken marsala, or even eggplant parmesan. To remedy some of these drawbacks, I have found a woman that owns pet chickens who sells me a dozen eggs every week or two. The eggs have helped add more proteins and fats into my diet, along with curbing some of the cravings.

All factory farmed animals live in their own version of hell. Unfortunately, most people do not hunt for their meat. They go to the nearest supermarket to pick up an attractive, red slice of New York strip, wrapped neatly in plastic and never stop to consider its source. These animals are emotionally intelligent. They fall in love and form bonds with each other the same way humans do. They get frustrated, angry, and sad just like us. They feel pain when they are hurt. I do not believe in choosing ignorance for your own personal bliss

I believe we have an obligation to inform ourselves and accept the true consequences of our actions. Eating mainly plant derived foods can be satisfying, cost effective, and will make you feel lighter physically and spiritually, but conversely, I do not think we need to be so rigid and perfect. I would like to continue forward by eating a mostly plant-based diet, but continuing to eat the local eggs and the addition of wild caught seafood every once in awhile. I think I can sustain a diet such as this with little trepidation.

I ate my first bite of animal flesh in two years at the beach in Florida this week. Honestly, I was terrified. I thought I would be overwhelmed with guilt and grossed out by it, but it was truly the best meal I have had in two years. I ate a fresh caught grouper, sandwiched between two fluffy slices of bread, while sitting on a patio in the sandy beach. I deemed this meal as honorable enough for my introduction back into eating animals because I knew the source of the fish; I knew it did not come from a swimming pool; and I said a small prayer for the life of the fish, thanking it for its sacrifice for its life into mine. I am very curious to see if my views of food develop over time into a less thoughtful interaction. I would also like to reach a point of comfort when it comes to nourishment. I do not think it is right to stress over your meals when eating is such a beautiful and essential ritual for sustaining life.

My goal is to be appreciative and mindful of the food the Earth supplies me with, without giving up my health and happiness in the process.