If I am being completely honest, I have been finding every reason to put off writing this blog post. On my last entry, I received genuine compliments from people I truly respected the opinion of. Not only did these affirming words inspire me, but they also terrified me to my core because I am fearful to not live up to their expectations in the future. I am harshly judgmental of my own work because this is what I find my self-worth through. I am working on adopting the point of view Peter McKinnon lives by: “done is better than perfect.” I agree that this is the optimal perspective because perfection is undefinable and thus, unattainable. I have found truth in that maintaining momentum and concluding projects will inevitably progress your outcomes. Providing evidence that you can take a concept and create it in reality will grow your confidence as you cultivate your skills.

But this all got me thinking, what areas do I strive for perfection in the most and why? What aspects of my life do I have to excel in to become someone I’m proud of? I believe in life it is vital to outline your ideals in order to achieve them and this applies correspondingly in the case of defining what kind of woman I aspire to be. This is not the first time I have pondered over this idea. As I have entered my twenties I have found myself creating a structure for my life. Over the last two decades I have been collecting information and lessons by living without expectations and standards. Now that I have grown up a bit, I realize that I can use my experiences to create an outline for a future that would benefit me and those I care for the most. It is time to be clear and concise on my goals and put pen to paper (or fingers to keys in this case).

The most important area that I focus my energy on is in my relationships with others. It is easy to take the people who love you unconditionally, or the people who have been around for as long as you can remember, for granted. At one point in my life I would have treated a new friend out to a wallet draining lunch, slipped a text into their cellular device just to check in, maybe even given them a longer hug upon departing in hopes to solidify our new bond. Then on my own family member’s birthday, I might not even consider taking a moments time to write them a card. This is so ass-backwards and I am embarrassed to have at one point been this kind of person.

I have been working on becoming more thoughtful toward those I hold dearest to my heart, even if it cannot make them love me any more than they already do. I want it to be clear that I appreciate them being an integral part of my life. This means crafting gifts for them on special occasions, or even no occasion at all; blocking out time for us to share even when I have a million other items on my to-do list; or even just dialing up their phone once in awhile to say hello. I have been better about this recently, but I still have so much room to improve.

Another significant aspect I judge myself rigidly on in my relationships is honesty. Being honest when you speak is crucial to your own self worth. If communicating truthfully to others often feels emotionally taxing, then it is likely you’re not living up to the standards you have set for yourself and you may not even be aware of your own truths. When I was a teenager I would tell half-truths to my parents and my friends: lying about my location or who I was with, claiming I was fond of things that I genuinely loathed, making excuses for my absences. This left me feeling counterfeit, uncertain, and in a position of having to remember too many fabricated details. I never faced my own penalties until they multiplied and blew up in my face.

After years of senseless hurt, I now do my best not to participate in behaviors that I can’t be proud of sharing with the people I care for. If I do fail to live within these self proclaimed guidelines, then it’s important to make my shortcomings known and immediately bear the consequences of others in order to condition myself out of poor behavioral choices.

One of my favorite Jordan Peterson quotes highlights the importance of the truth in love:

“Life is suffering. Love is the desire to see unnecessary suffering ameliorated. Truth is the handmaiden of love. Dialogue is the pathway to truth. Humility is recognition of personal insufficiency and the willingness to learn. To learn is to die voluntarily and be born again, in great ways and small. So speech must be untrammeled so that dialogue can take place, so that we can all humbly learn, so that truth can serve love, so that suffering can be ameliorated, so that we can all stumble forward to the Kingdom of God.”

Put into real-life examples, this means sharing personal news with my parents, giving real excuses to my friends when I cannot make it to dinner with them, actually completing all my side-work at the restaurant before darting back home, being faithful and respectful in my romantic relationship whether he is present or not, and even acknowledge that sometimes I do not agree with my own choices, but I still accept that I am living in paradox with my values and do not attempt to justify my inconsistent actions. Honesty is so important to me and even though we all struggle not to tell little white lies here and there; I want to work toward speaking the truth if I am going to accept the responsibility of cracking the seal of my lips. If I don’t have my word, I have nothing.

If I had to put my biggest insecurity into text, it would be the fear of intellectual inadequacy. I am constantly thumbing through the dictionary to find words that, if applied correctly, will set my speech and writing above others. I spend hours a day online researching in order to expand my brain’s library of material. Currently, I have been listening to lectures on clinical psychology, studying the Italian language, watching videos on photography and cinematography, and even expanding my Spotify playlist to dive deeper into the music realm. In simple terms, I do not want to be thought of as stupid. I am not stupid. In fact, I know very well that I am a well educated woman, but I have massive room for expansion.

Most of all, I want to be able to fully engage in many conversational topics and have useful information and ideas to add. In a case where I do not have much knowledge in that particular area of concern, I want to learn to keep quiet and listen, or ask engaging questions. I believe some people use their looks as a crutch for their lack of depth and I have been guilty of this in the past. My mission now is to develop my inner soul so that it can match or surpass the beauty of my outer shell.

Finally, it is important to me that I put great efforts into reducing the suffering of myself, other living beings, and the planet. In reference to my own suffering, I evaluate the choices of food I put into my body to fuel it, how much physical exertion I have in a day; and I focus on taking out time for pleasurable activities. I need to maintain my body because it is the home I am going to live in for as long as my heart keeps beating. I do not want to live life unable to move freely, or constantly feel sick; therefore, I am sure to have physical, mental, and emotional health as my top priorities. I also put some effort into reducing the suffering of all the other beings on the planet and Mother Earth herself.

There is only so much I am willing to sacrifice, but I attempt to cut down on my animal product consumption, reduce waste, and be compassionate to all life. We are part of a network greater than the individual. In order to respect yourself, you must respect all things. Energy has a way of rippling across the universe, so it’s best to make glorious waves, not drowning currents.

Every morning you are given the opportunity to align closer with the person you aspire to be. I choose to be an active player in designing the person Joeli for the intention of her experiencing great love. Love is all we have and if I can find adoration for myself, I know that others will find it in me as well.