“So what’s next for you?”

I am moving in to an apartment with two girls in Collinsville and then starting at SIUE majoring in communications, minoring in sociology,” I explained with a heavy heart. These were both forward moving, and seemingly positive life choices, so why did it feel so wrong?

I sit in a local coffee shop, Sacred Grounds, writing my first blog post. I have acquired a vegan eggplant panini for lunch, to suit my loose ethical requirements, and a cold brew iced coffee with soy that will, hopefully, give me the energetic, internal push I need to navigate the external world I have woken up into this morning. The woman sitting diagonally across from me looks distressed. There are two fine lines dug deep separating her carefully sculpted eyebrows. In-between shifts of shuffling through a stack of notecards, the woman gazes forward, not focusing her eyes on anything but the air floating six inches beyond her face.

She sips her cappuccino. Is she nervous about an upcoming speech? Is she writing out recipes for a cookbook and worried no customers will snatch it off the shelves? Is her facial expression simply trapped in constant agony, despite her emotions? I wonder if anyone wonders how I am feeling. They might think I am sitting here getting ahead on homework, given that school just got back in session this past Monday. Could they ever guess that I attended for two days and dropped out of my junior year? Why did I do it?

I returned home from NYC on August 1st, 2018. After exploring the city that never sleeps, I packed up all my belongings, slung them into my backseat, and headed for my new apartment. This would be the fourth time I had changed living arrangements this year; talk about indecisive. I moved my things in within a single day; I painted my entire bedroom within hours; I went to two concerts in two days with my roommates, and on the ninth day, I moved out. Did something happen?

Well yes, a lot of things happened to me. In one week, I tore myself apart inside. I made poor, abrupt, but possibly necessary to my future, decisions and faced the consequences. Everything that happened made me question people’s intentions and even my own. Did any human want the best for other people, or are we all selfish assholes, only looking to soothe our own emotional suffering? I drenched my fresh sheets in tears every night in my new home. My mom came over to help me reorganize my kitchen and bedroom. We took every item out of the pantry, down to the last packet of minute rice, and assembled it into an orderly food storage area. I washed every fork, knife, and bowl in the sink, none of which were mine.

We got my bedroom looking like a home, and as I pulled the sheets back over my pillows, I changed my mind. “Call dad to bring the truck, I am moving back home into the basement.” Thanks to my supportive mother and father, in two hours, I had every item I brought back in my parent's driveway as if I never left I have my reasons: the drive was thirty minutes from school and work it was driveway, as if I never left. I have my reasons: the drive was thirty minutes from school and work, it was free to live at home, I could see my boyfriend more regularly, I did not want to live out of my car, all valid reasons. I loved my new roommates and my independence, but there was just this intense feeling I was not in the place I was supposed to be. When I arrived home I was very happy about my choice

I have a huge room, for free; I have privacy, but can still visit with my family; I am in the city I love, close to the people I love, and I am five minutes from school and both my jobs. I felt good.

School started up on August 20th, 2018. It would be my first year at a large university. I had just graduated with my associate's degree from community college. Originally, I had planned not to continue on, but I was offered a scholarship and I had nothing better to do. I knew it was what my parents dreamed for me and I was grateful for their contribution to the furthering of my education, so I went back. I attended the first day of all my classes and I enjoyed three out of four of them, but when I arrived home I began to panic because I felt like I was on the wrong path. Why was I wasting my time and energy working toward nothing I wanted out of life? The morning before my third day of school, I happened to be scrolling through Blackboard to make sure I was not missing any assignments before I went into my toughest class for the second time. My heart dropped when I realized I missed something…

This did not make any sense! I read through the syllabus four times, I checked the assignments webpage, and I looked through the gradebook over and over again to avoid this situation. I just happened to click on the the about this class tab and found a Student Information Sheet that was due yesterday. I graduated at my last school with a 3.9 GPA; how could I have made such a stupid mistake? I attempted to turn in the paper via email and explain to my professor about my confusion on the assignment and to apologize. I broke down at my kitchen table after reading his cruel response: “Too late! I do not work on your time! Sorry!” Fuck you dude. I was dropped from the class. My mom offered to give me a ride to the student advisor office to pick up a new class in place of the last, but I knew that moment was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was all over for me.

I was tired of following the track laid out for me by my high school, my community college, my parents, and society. After helplessly Googling Should I go to College in the waiting room, I walked into my counselor’s office to announce my plan to quit school. My eyes welled with tears at her desk as I tried to explain my point of view. Her observation was that I seemed very confused. Thank you Sherlock. After a quick attempt to talk me out of leaving school, she gave me a hug and a sheet to drop my classes. Her advice was not to make a quick decision and take few days to decide. With the kind-hearted woman's wish of luck, I confidently stepped out the door.

In the next twenty minutes of my life, I hastily dropped all my classes, returned my parking pass, and canceled my financial aid loan for the entire year. I did not want anybody to talk me out of my choice. My mom, to my surprise told me that she was proud of me. She said she was happy that I made the decision that I wanted. She agreed that it may be for the best and I could still be successful. Thank God for her. My dad, understandably had an opposing opinion. I know that he wants the best for me and he does not want me to struggle through life for financial security. I get it and I am thankful to have the ability to obtain a higher education. However, college is not the only way to achieve success. I am going to prove that I am enough to make it on my own without the security blanket.

I do not want to waste valuable time and my parents resources when I know I am better suited for a creative, independent field. Maybe this is naïve thinking. Maybe I contracted toxoplasmosis from my boyfriends cat and I have developed irrational behavior patterns, but to be honest I have always been this way. Courageous acts are often rewarded. I have a few ideas of alternative paths to college. Some include writing a book, travel journalism, opening a coffee shop, designing a clothing line, becoming a female Jimi Hendrix, writing a blog (aye look at me go), becoming an esthetician, learning the art of metaphysical healing, or creating content for YouTube. I do not know where to start, so I am going to start here, talking to you. Please send your best wishes because now I have something to prove and by God I’ll prove it. Godspeed everyone.

Update: The seemingly somber bitch across from me has carved a whole bowl out of clay since I started writing. I’m impressed. She then walked outside, got into her vehicle, and backed into someone’s front bumper. I think she’s trying to get in my head with her antics.